Let’s talk the sticky middle
This is what I thought, I’m working on myself, I’m doing the whole “self development” thing, this is supposed to feel good, right? So why do I feel so uncomfortable?
Does that feel familiar to you?
Whether changing a simple habit, to making a big lifestyle, it often feels confusing, uncertain, often crap in “the middle”. It’s something I regularly see coaching clients struggle with and something I have absolutely felt myself.
Brené Brown calls it Day 2. In her book “Rising Strong” she says we can’t skip day two, despite how much we might want to. Brown also discusses this while giving a talk at Pixar with Ed Cartmell. They discuss this in the three acts of storytelling, and also Joseph Campbell’s “Hero Journey”.
The protagonist (that’s you here) is called to adventure and accepts the adventure.
The protagonist (you, again!) looks for every comfortable way to solve the problem, eventually learning what it’s really going to take.
The protagonist needs to prove they have learnt the lesson; an enlightened character knowing what to do to resolve a conflict.
I like this from a self exploration and building perspective.
So the sticky middle is often unexpected, but also inevitable, let’s dig in.
Why does this happen?
Change is difficult. This is particularly the case when we are outside of our comfort zone and challenging long set beliefs or habits. Trying anything new is somewhat scary and often difficult. Our brains don’t like this, our brains like to keep us safe and to take the easiest route possible, we’re wired for certainty and stability.
What’s more much of personal development is peeling back the layers, exploring what you currently do and who you currently are and effectively building all over again. Sometimes this is a small change, sometimes colossal. There can be so many feelings wrapped up in this. You might feel loss for the person you were. Perhaps guilt or shame for not making the change earlier. You will likely feel confused as you step further into the “work in progress” mode, how are you to act now? What do you want to say? What does all of this mean??
And here’s the thing, experience and previous success does not make this process any easier, it just gives us a little more grace and more “faith in your ability to navigate the darkness. The middle is messy, but it’s also where the magic happens.” (Brené Brown)
““Day two, or whatever that middle space is for your own process is when you’re “in the dark” - the door has closed behind you. You’re too far in to turn around and not close enough to the end to see the light””
What can you do to keep going?
But this doesn’t mean we should give up, sure it’s somewhat comfortable where you are right now, but what else could be possible?
My reality a few years ago was somewhat comfortable, I’m sure I could have carried on but actually I was in a very toxic (to me) workplace, my mental health was low and my marriage wasn’t right for either of us. When I started to raise my “development journey” and raise my awareness it was tough, it felt lonely and I questioned myself constantly. But I kept at it, bit by bit, and I am bloody happy I did.
Here are some tools that could support you too:
Make sure you’re really clear on your WHY - what are you hoping to achieve? What are the reasons this is important to you? What will this bring you?
Once you have your motivations clear in your mind find someway to embed them and reflect on them when Day 2 starts to suck! You could try writing them down (a mission statement can work well here), sharing them with others, or creating a vision board if that works for you.
Focus on small steps consistently. We have all seen the difference that 1% better each day can have. We’ve seen the calculation but what does this actually mean in the context of your life?
Get an accountability buddy. We’re much more likely to keep our commitments to others than we are ourselves, find someone who can support you and vice-versa.
Track and celebrate your progress. No one goes from zero exercise straight to running a marathon, no one jumps from entry level admin to CEO in one step. It’s important to chunk our goals to even daily habits so that we can track and give ourselves a pat on the back when we make progress.
Build self compassion. Appreciate that change takes time and that you’re going in the right direction. How can you be more self compassionate? What can you say to yourself? How can you challenge the negative voice or thoughts?
Rest & recharge. I cannot stress the importance of finding ways to rest and recharge. We can be productive, passionate and anything else without burning out. We can’t help anyone if we’re burntout. I’ve become even more aware of the fact that active rest helps me recharge so much more than vegging on the sofa, what helps you?
Be aware of your triggers for when things feel tough, how this shows up in you (it’s not always obvious and can often be physical) and what helps you to feel better. Write it down, keep a note on your phone, actually put some notes in a box if this helps you. And do it now, because when you’re feeling crap it’s much more difficult to access this information.
I’d love to hear what you thought of this edition of my newsletter, if anything is hitting home do drop me an email, it would be great to hear from you.
