How I got to grips with my imposter
I’ve almost always had imposter thoughts. I’m sure you know what I am referring to, <<First Name>>? The negative self talk, the thoughts that hold you back, the inability to take action.
I still get these thoughts, yep despite knowing the techniques, but my relationship with my imposter is considerably different now.
Although imposter syndrome is largely talked about in professional environments, it can show up in all aspects of life.
I can for sure remember being affected by imposter thoughts at school, would I have chosen a different route if I was less scared of failure? If I hadn’t needed to be good at something straightaway. Looking back I can absolutely see elements of fixed mindset in myself and the decisions I made. My actions in fact fed the imposter thoughts, they reinforced the scripts that I had written or that has been assigned to me. And if we don’t challenge these, if we don’t think of ourselves as able to do so, then of course they replay time and time again.
So of course throughout my career I felt the imposter. I suppose choosing to work in an engineering company in Rotherham may have strengthened the feelings of doubt. In their Harvard Business Review article Ruchika Tulshyan and Jodi-Ann Burey say we should stop telling women they have imposter syndrome. And while I absolutely agree that system biases and sexism contributed to keeping me small and increasing my negative self talk, I also know that I did a pretty good job of this myself.
Leaving engineering to start my own business was “brave” but waaay out of my comfort zone, where doubt often lives. If you run your own business you probably know what this version of imposter feels like; questioning, isolating, comparing, procrastinating….and more.
I have also felt considerable imposter “not good enough” thoughts when it comes to relationships; friendships, romantic relationships and even family too. That feeling of needing to prove myself, wondering why anyone would want to be in a relationship with me. This often displayed itself in the “Imposter types”; Superhuman, Soloist, Expert, Natural Genius, Perfectionist…. I absolutely resonate with aspects of each of these.
I can recognise these behaviours as I look back, but at the time I’m not sure I really had that much awareness. Now I have greater awareness of my imposter thoughts and how they impact my actions, I challenge them, and to a certain extent, I appreciate the imposter too.
Here’s what has helped me come to grips with my imposter:
Tune in to my thoughts and actions. I started to raise my awareness of my own thoughts and actions, and I made two realisations. Firstly; that I am not my thoughts, I can create distance between my thoughts and myself and decide what I want to do with them. Secondly; I increased my personal control, becoming more proactive and moving from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. I can have greater control over my situation, life doesn’t need to just happen to me. This helped me to take more control over thoughts and behaviours.
Be curious and compassionate. I started to question the thoughts, that imposter voice. And I did so not with judgement (although this is often my natural saboteur) but with curiosity and more self compassion. I realised that I am not the only one who has these thoughts, which helped with feelings of isolation. So when the thoughts arise I would pause and ask myself “huh, where’s this coming from?”. I still do this actually, sometimes it can get a little deep, but often it’s just a chance to smile and kindly challenge .We have a lot of thoughts every day, and research has shown that 80% of these have a negative slant. Our brain naturally wants to protect us, but it is up to us to decide if we really need the protection. I also know that a lot of the thoughts I have had are not for protection, they’re just plain mean. And I don’t choose to be that unkind to myself. I choose kindness.
Challenge with evidence. I bet you receive compliments sometimes, <<First Name>>? I imagine sometimes you even pat yourself on the back for a job well done? Start to build evidence to challenge the negative thoughts, the ones that are trying to keep you small and hold you back. There were a few things that helped me to do this, I reflected on my values and where I found joy in the everyday and turned that into a personal mission statement, and I used a 5 minute journal to note each day what had gone well, any highlights and how I had helped others. I also started complimenting others more which helped me to see the good in me, as well as the good in them. Maybe a list could work well for you, or even asking for feedback - please do this, it is such a powerful act
Why not me? Believe in self. Armed with this evidence I started to believe in my own capability. And instead of saying “I could never…” or “Why me?” I started saying “Why not me?”. This really hit home last year when I was getting ready to deliver a talk in front of 150people at the Etihad stadium. Lots of people asked if I was nervous, and did I feel prepared… and Yes I absolutely was nervous, but I knew I could do it, and if anything went wrong then so what? I’d be able to handle that too. Previous me wants to judge myself a little here… even suggesting arrogance. But no. There is nothing wrong with knowing your strengths and backing yours. And there is nothing wrong with slipping up, it’s awkward but we learn so much.
Keep going. Once you’ve started these habits, keep practicing until they become part of who you are. I listened to Jameela Jamil on the High Performance podcast the other day talking about how she now argues with her negative self talk, and I laughed outloud as I regularly do this too. And the stretch zone, however that may look for you, is fun and interesting and often there is cake too - because we all celebrate our wins right?….don’t we<<First Name>>??
I still remind myself of these things every week, I continue to check in with myself and curiously question why I am acting a certain way and why thoughts are coming up. Some of this comes from an ambitious perspective but actually most of all it comes from kindness. While I am quite a solutions-focused coach, getting to grips with imposter thoughts for me is not just about being able to achieve the next thing, it’s about allowing ourselves to enjoy the process and celebrate who we are.
I’d love to know if any of this has resonated with you. Drop me an email to chat more
