Help, I can’t say no…
Almost everyone I talk to has difficulty saying no to others.
And despite multiple years of working on this myself, it’s still something I find challenging.
I suppose we never fully recover from our people pleasing ways.
If you struggle with saying no, read on to understand the reasons behind this and some tips to help.
No is a small word, but the emotion behind it is often huge. And the origins of our habit to say yes to others are set in stone, more often than not from childhood.
If you think back to when you were a kid what do you remember being told? Perhaps you were told to “be good”, “help others”, "not to make a fuss” and even perhaps “do as you’re told”. As children we are taught to respect authority and do what our parents, teachers and elders tell us. And of course as good children we do this, for fear of being punished or not being loved as much.
Now I am by no means saying that every child that has been told to “be good” needs to deal with this trauma! But it can be helpful to understand how our development through childhood and beyond reinforces certain innate needs and fears making it difficult to say no.
The key innate emotions we’re dealing with here are:
Fear of conflict & upsetting others
What if you say no and the other person isn’t happy with you? What if they start to criticise you? What if they’re angry?
Need to belong & feel valued
If you do this for them, surely they will like you more? Surely they will appreciate you?
It’s hard not to write this and not make the connection here. How much is our sense of self is tied up to what we do for others? Do you feel that your value in relationships and the world is conditional?
I have this conversation with many people who struggle to say no but when challenged they stick to their guns.
“Helping others is a good quality right? “
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be liked, is there?”
Do these sound familiar to you? And absolutely I agree…. with a few caveats:
Are you doing so at the expense of yourself and the things you want to do?
Are you doing so to the point of exhaustion and burnout?
Do you feel any resentment when you say yes? The Karpman Drama triangle can be helpful in these discussions. Drop me a note if you want to know more :) In the triangle of interactions we have Helper - Victim - & Persecutor. At any point in the situations where you said yes, do you ever switch from feeling like a helper to feeling victimised? Does the person asking for your help ever become a persecutor in your eyes? And does your resentment at times show itself in a persecution style?
Do you really believe you wouldn’t be liked if you said no?
OK let’s take a breath…. it’s possible this has brought up some emotions. And that’s OK. We’re OK with emotions, we can handle them.
And what next? How about some tips to help get into the habit of saying no?
Start by practicing using NO in an unpressured environment. Say no to a cold caller. Say no in a shop. Politely, obviously, and directly. There is no emotion or guilt attached here, and it helps to become more comfortable with the word.
Value the YESES you give.
Ask yourself, if you are saying YES to this request, what or who are you saying NO to? Time with your family? Time to recharge? Time to develop yourself?
Question: is this a “Heck yes, this aligns with my priorities, I have the capacity and am excited”? No? Then is your answer NO?
Give yourself time. When we’re confronted with a scenario it is the emotional part of the brain that receives the request first. This is the part of us that wants to react to those fears and those desires to please others. If we pause (for just a few seconds) it can unlock our logical brain. And your logical brain can see the scenario a little differently.
I used to do this when I was building my assertiveness at work after feeling like I was being taken advantage of. I’d ask for more details before committing and let the requestor know I would get back to them. I could then review the information, evaluate how it aligned with my priorities, values and capacities and then decide.
I then built up to doing this in the moment, it felt awkward at first but I soon realised that I had spent a lot of my time completing tasks for others and I, and the other person, could surely give a few moments to discuss and decide.
Add some “stock nos” to your vocabulary. Practice them if you like. This will make it easier to decline when the moment hits. Some examples are:
That is not something I feel comfortable with so it is a no from me.
That sounds like a great project but is not in line with my priorities so is not something I want to be involved in.
I don’t have the capacity for that.
This doesn’t sound like my thing, good luck with it.
Lift yourself up. Spend some time reflecting on the qualities you like about yourself, keep a compliments list, ask for feedback. This will help to reduce the importance you put on your actions in relation to your worth.
Finally be patient with yourself. It’s not easy to change habits. It’s not easy to go against those innate fears. But little steps will get you there.
Actually finally celebrate your progress, give yourself a pat on the back, take some time to reflect positively on the small steps until it becomes a new habit.
I’d love to know what you think about this post, drop me an email or a comment below.
If you need more support with this, why not get in touch about my 1:1 coaching? I offer high support and challenge through my leadership and confidence coaching to help you lead a life and career that brings you joy.
