If you’ve ever struggled with comparison then this is for you.

I have spoken to so many people in the last few weeks about the comparisons they make, usually negative, and the impact this has on them.

I understand how you feel, this used to be me.

In fact many social psychologists believe that social comparison is something that happens to us, over which we have limited control. When we are confronted with someone who is clearly better or worse than us, we have no choice but to compare. That being said we can choose what we do with this comparison, and how we let it affect our mood and image of self.

Brené Brown defines comparison as “the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other - it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out.”

Jay Shetty says “Comparison makes you a worse version of yourself, or (even worse) a worse version of someone else”. This really hit home for me.

In her latest book “Atlas of the Heart” Brown talks about the places (the emotions) we go to when we compare. The include:

• Admiration and Reverence - you feel inspired or a deep form of respect

• Jealousy and Envy - you want something someone else has (envy and often thought of as negative) or fear losing something or someone important to us (jealousy)

• Resentment - which is actually a form of envy for something or some quality you are lacking

• Scahdenfreude - a fantastic German compound word meaning taking joy from the pain or misfortune of others

  What Brown doesn’t specifically touch on in this book is where these emotions can lead in our thoughts and our actions. For me, and the people that have shared with me comparison has led to:

• Negative self talk, that can also show up as self deprecating humour in front of others

• Self Sabotage - why bother if I’ll never be as good as them

• Scarcity mindset - there’s no space for me here, I could never compete

• Evidence building for the imposter

• Procrastination from overthinking

• Withdrawal from social and professional

• Escapism

• Some pretty shameful thoughts and sometimes behaviours towards others…including people you love

Are any of these hitting home for you?

But as those social psychologists say, we can make a choice on how we respond to these comparison. We can choose Freudenfreude instead (joy of another’s success), perhaps inspired action or perhaps simple self compassion.

Reducing the impact of comparison on our mood and image of self has two main dimensions; celebrating and building confidence around our own capabilities; and finding joy in the successes of others. Here are some tips to focus on doing just that:

• Understand what your biggest triggers are that cause negative comparison and aim to limit. It might be certain events or certain social media accounts.

• Create your own strengths list - what are you good at? What do you like about yourself? What makes you unique? What do others like?

• Keep a journal - make notes of the things that bring you joy and that you’re proud of during the day. It helps to ground you in the present and what truly matters to you.

• Limit social media, especially if it is bringing you down and you find yourself on a doom scroll. Important reminder: IT’S A HIGHLIGHT REEL.

• Start a list of achievements on a timeline. It’s a helpful reminder that everyone starts in a different place and at a different time. It can also be a good place to…

• Set some goals and keep track on progress. This helps to focus on what you want and also on the only competition that matters - you vs you.

• Choose to see the success of others as evidence of abundance and possibility. Wish them luck, smile, and know that there is plenty of success available for you too, in fact it probably looks completely different.

• Practice Shoy and Bragitude. Designed by researchers to increased freudenfreude Shoy shares the joy of someone else’s success by showing interest and asking follow up questions, Bragitude ties gratitude to someone showing joy at your success. Bragitude sounds like “Thank you for celebrating this with me. It means so much that you’re happy for me.” How good does that sound?

Do let me know what you think of this newsletter. I’ve enjoyed researching and writing it, even if some of it is difficult to reflect on. Do also get in touch if you’d like a little extra help with comparison. I’m just an email away.

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